Admin Organisation for Carers

I don’t pretend to be an expert at admin, or caring… but I am a carer, and I have had many years in admin. I’ve recently been searching for information on how to organise my caring stuff, and found very generic advice like “keep all your paperwork in one place”. Which is good advice, but not quite as specific as I was hoping. So here’s my more specific stuff, in case it helps you with ideas.

Treat it like a job / business. I know you probably already are, but if you set specific times for specific tasks, block them into your calendar, and treat filing and administration the same way you would if it was a job, I think it’ll help. It helps me, anyway. 🙂

That also means getting cool / cute stationery, highlighters, getting a nice planner (if you like those), stickers and stuff. Treat yourself well here, make it a pleasant thing.

Photo by William Iven on Unsplash

Firstly, yes, do keep all your paperwork together, or at least in an obvious place. I personally don’t want to be carting everything around with me, though, so one of those expansion folders isn’t for me. (It might be for you)

I went with those zip lock folders. You know, the A4 ones. I got a bundle from the stationery shop, and I’ve printed A4 labels to put in them. I wonder if a folder with different tabs would also work – you could hole punch your paperwork, or use those plastic folders to keep them in.

Following are the categories I chose, they may give some clues or help to you:

Scripts – one for me, one for my mum (she’s the person I’m caring for). I use a smaller ziplock bag for taking scripts to the chemist in. I also have a spreadsheet* with all of mum’s meds written on it, and the number of repeats for the script, and when it was last filled. I can highlight that list when I know that we’re going to need a script filled soon, and I have a date it needs to be filled by (usually a week out). I then put that date into my digital calendar.

Community Care Information – stuff like approval codes, who the community care provider is, what they provide (some provide transport, some nursing visits… you know the stuff) and telephone numbers. If you have receipts, billing information etc, they can go in here too. Phone numbers etc are also stored in my phone.

Health Information – again, one for me, one for mum. In here I keep reports, medical imaging, that sort of thing. I personally ask for a copy of any reports, that way I can read and digest the information at a later stage. I can google terms I don’t understand, and do further research on my own. I also ask questions of doctors and specialists. If you want to keep a notebook and write that information down, that would probably be really handy, too.

Appointment Paperwork – anything you’re going to need for appointments, like the above medical reports or imaging.

Referrals, Requests, Blood Tests – I actually haven’t made this folder yet, but it occurs to me that it’d be really handy. You can also use these to keep track of referral expiry dates (something I learned of recently), as well as imaging request forms, blood test / pathology forms etc.

The Meds Spreadsheet. I like having this because I like having one simple place where I can easily see exactly what medications mum is supposed to be taking, and when they’re going to run out. I find this really helpful because I can have an extra copy, in case mum has to go to hospital – you give the printout to the ambos, and they can then give it to the emergency doctors. Keeps everything simple.

Know Ailments List. If your caree is like mine, with multiple ailments and issues, as well as an extensive medications list, you might want to consider this one. I have listed her name, date of birth, UR (hospital) number, and the known issues (heart disease, cancer, etc). That way the doctor can match up the issue with the medication, and it’s all listed. I could possibly add the name of the GP and doctors she sees at the hospital, but all of those are in the hospital records. It might be helpful. I might add the GP contact details as well.

I also have my own contact details, as carer, just in case.

Chemo Cycle / Cytotoxic. I also have on the known ailments list the day of the chemo cycle, and a tick box for whether mum is cytotoxic or not. That way all the proper precautions can be taken for everyone’s safety. I also let the ambos know if she’s cytotoxic, and check if they have the right gloves etc.

Referrals Spreadsheet. I don’t have one of these, yet, but I’d like to keep one. Again, similar to having all the scripts in one place. Having something which lists all the referrals, expiry dates, and to whom they are referred, could be helpful.

Technology

Online or Phone Calendar I have an online calendar, and I put into that all appointments, reminders, when scripts are needed, when we’ve got community people coming out, etc. I find it absolutely priceless. I have it on my phone, on my computer, on mum’s phone, on the tablets. Everywhere. I can update it in any of those applications or devices, and it automatically updates everywhere / everyone. You can also put notes in, and the reminders for when you have to do things is also priceless. Because it’s online it’s shareable in all those locations, and I don’t have to freak out if I have the wrong device, or if I lose my phone, that all those appointments will be lost. (Although I would freak out)

Script Apps. There are apps from chemists that allow you to scan / photograph your scripts and send them through, so you can pick them up more quickly. I gave this one go and got impatient with having to do the photograph thing, although I can see the value in it. Maybe I’ll have more patience at some stage. I like being able to have a coffee / lunch while we wait for the scripts though. It’s a nice time out.

Scan Documents. I tend to scan things that I think are going to be useful – that way you can store it digitally if you need to, which saves trees.

Other Really Helpful Thought

Keep one chemist, if you can. Having one chemist whom you use regularly for all your scripts can be really helpful. Not only do they get to know you, and you can get friendlier service, they also get to know what medications and probably supplements, you’re taking. That’s helpful because if there are interactions which haven’t been spotted, they’ll catch those. If you’ve got a new medication, they can help you with how best to take it and all that sort of info.

It’s also really handy for the days when you’re not as organised as you’d like to be – you can phone them when you’ve run out of medications, and ask to get the script faxed to them and you can pick it up. It also helps if you’re friendly and familiar to your GP, too. Usually, for chronic / severe / complicated illnesses, you’ll be friendly and familiar to the GP and their staff… if you can extend this to the chemist, too, so much the better.

There are a few planners and things out there for carers, and advice on keeping yourself well and looking after yourself. I haven’t covered those because they seem to be pretty covered. 🙂 There are lots of youtube videos showing how to use calendars and digital planners etc; just as there is a plethora of medications reminders.

By no means is this an exhaustive list, and I’m just starting it out. If you’ve got a system that works for you and you want to share it, please do!! One of the ladies at my local chemist says she uses the calendar as her primary means of organisation (and I agree, mine is vital).

Searching for food

I’d like to tell you a story.  A story of a woman who, every day, walks along a road, looking for food to feed her family.  Every day she walks along the road and through the fields and bush, looking for plants that have food on them, looking for food to take home to feed her family.

One day, as she’s walking along, she notices a box, filled with fruit and vegetables.  She looks at the box, imagining what it would be like… and then she walks on, looking for food that’s growing.  Sometimes she finds it, sometimes she doesn’t.  Sometimes her family eats a meal, sometimes they go hungry.

Each day, the woman walks along, looking for food.  In some places, she sees boxes of fruit and vegetables, just sitting there.  Sometimes the box is locked up tight, she can’t get to them, but she knows they’re there.  Sometimes there’s a big dog or a person with a gun guarding the box of vegetables and fruit, and she stays well away from those.  But sometimes, the boxes are just there…  flimsy boxes of light cardboard, open, inviting.  There’s nobody around… what could it hurt?  Her children are hungry, after all.

Wild or feral animals think the same way when they see gardens or chicken coops.  These are nicely packaged areas where the food is just… there… waiting for the taking.  They’re hungry, their children are hungry…  what could it hurt?

It’s frustrating or hurtful when your garden or coop is raided.  It’s easy to hate the animal who’s raided your garden or coop… but honestly, put yourself in their place – would you do the same?

There are ways to guard your crops or coop in non-lethal ways (cat or dog scent around the outside of your vege patch will discourage small animals – if you’ve got a cat litter tray, save that poop!  Heavy gauge steel (dog crate gauge) will stop feral dogs, cats, and foxes from getting into your chickens.  Fine aviary mesh will stop snakes) – you are the person who’s benefitting from the farming, so you are the person responsible for ensuring the safety and security of the crop.

Otherwise, don’t blame that poor woman with a hungry family for taking what’s there, what you’ve laid out, ready, so she can feed her children.

Of *course* you matter!

So… hands up if you’ve ever met this parent:

“Of course you matter, Childname.  You are important, how you feel is important, and your dreams are important.  Now, dry your eyes and smile, because the world loves a smiling person, Childname.”

Or perhaps this one:

“Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about!”

In our house when I was a child we weren’t allowed to “sulk” – meaning if we were unhappy, or angry, we had to stay in the room and just deal with it.  Without looking grumpy, or acting irritated, and certainly not by answering back!  So we couldn’t walk away and deal with it in our own way, privately, we had to stay and pretty much pretend we weren’t angry or upset, just carry on as normal.  At least, I think that’s what we were supposed to do.  I used to sulk and get yelled at for it.  🙂

As a result, I don’t really know how to deal with anger (I’m a passive aggressive champion though!!) in a positive way, and, surprisingly, have had serious self worth issues.

Now, this is not an “I blame my parents” session – they were parenting as they’d been taught, and honestly, if you’ve never learned how to express your emotions or deal with them, how can you pass that knowledge onto a child?  Especially how do you explain a concept you’ve never encountered to a child’s brain?  You don’t… so, no, I don’t blame my parents, they did the best they knew.

However, if you’ve recognised the parent examples above, encountered them, or even been them, perhaps now is a good time to have a look at your own emotional development, as well as your child’s.

I mean, if you’re telling your child that their feelings matter in one sentence, and in the next, telling them to basically “suck it up and smile, the world isn’t interested in your problems”, you’re effectively telling them lies.  I know the parents in the examples above don’t mean it that way, and they may even think they’re giving Childname some valuable world advice…  (because at the moment, that IS the way the world is, maybe we can change that).

What the above examples actually say is no, Childname, your feelings DON’T matter.  Smile and look happy, that’s the only way to succeed in life.  Pretend.  It doesn’t matter who you really are, or what you really feel, fit in, don’t make waves, smile and be happy.

So maybe now is a good time to be teaching children (and adults, maybe through the children) how to honour their feelings, and yet still express them without harming others.  Recognise, honour, and deal with anger and sadness and all those other “undesirable” emotions, so that when we hit teens or adulthood they don’t overwhelm us and turn us into victims of our own emotions.

What do you think?

Circuit breaker for Overwhelm

There’s a lot of stuff I don’t know.  I don’t know why green is such a nice colour, or why the blue light rays get refracted in the sky and not the purple ones.  I don’t know why I can’t find the pot of gold that’s reputedly at the end of the rainbow, even though I’ve made my own rainbows with the garden hose so that the damn things stay still…

… but I do have a lot of experience with Overwhelm.  It gets a capital, because when it takes hold of your brain, it feels like a completely different entity has taken your thoughts and is whizzing them around and around and you can’t seem to even get your hand in there to stop it.

Overwhelm is part of anxiety and it is the bit that starts your thoughts in that lovely never-ending circle of what ifs and doubts and self doubts and then the certain knowledge that you can’t fix this and of course you can’t fix it, it can’t be fixed and there are no options and I can’t do this, I can’t do this, I can’t do this.

I know it well.

There are a lot of ways to deal with those thoughts and doubts and stuff, and there are a lot of really helpful, qualified people who are brilliant and who can and want to help.  But first, you need to find them, and to know they are there, and to do that, you first need to get out of that circle.  You need a circuit breaker.

If you’ve got a friend with you when this hits, hopefully they can be your circuit breaker.  If you’re by yourself, you need to be your own.

The circuit breaker and crisis-point activity I was recommended is a nice easy one:  make a cup of tea.  (The one in the picture is a raspberry fruit tea, which is why it looks red.  Tasted delicious, too.)

So, why tea and not coffee?  Well, because even if you’re making instant tea, with a tea bag, you still need to have some time for the tea to infuse, and therein lies the circuit breaker.

Okay, so you’re freaking out and your brain’s going a gazillion miles an hour and nothing is making sense.  Stop.  Take a deep breath, and put the kettle on.  Now think of these things:

Think about the lid opening.  Watch the water flowing into the kettle.  How much pressure to you need to stop the tap?  Now plug in the kettle.  Switch it on.  While you’re waiting for it to boil, look at your hands.  How does the benchtop feel?  Look at the kettle.  What’s it made of?  What colour is the cord?

You’ll need to get a cup out, and the tea bag.  What are the cupboards made of?  Which way does the door open?  How many shelves are there?  Is the tea at the front?  If not, what’s it behind?  Do you want sugar?  Milk?  Is the milk in the door of the fridge or on a shelf?  Which drawer is the spoon in?

Pour the water into your cup, with your teabag.  Watch the water slowly tint as the tea infuses.  When you’re stirring your tea, do you stir clockwise, or anti-clockwise?  How many times?  Is your tea cool enough to drink straight away, or do you blow on it to cool it?

Take your first sip.  How does it feel?  Take a nice deep breath and enjoy your tea.  Think about the tea.  Continue to think about real and physical things for a while – is there a breeze blowing on your skin?  How do your feet feel in your shoes? (or against the floor if you’re in bare feet like I normally am at home).

When you feel ready, think of one of the thoughts that had you in overwhelm.  Don’t think of an answer or a solution, just what the thought itself is.  Drink your tea, breathe.  Think about the thought as an object, look at it from different angles.  If it was an object, what would it be?  What colour?  Shape?  How big is it?  As soon as you start thinking of a solution, or getting a bit anxious, put that thought away and think about the tea again.

Or don’t think about any of those thoughts at all.  Be a Scarlett O’Hara… think about that tomorrow.  Only tomorrow, make your tea, sit down, and call someone who can help.  (If you have friends or relatives who think they’re helping, but in fact just feed the frenzy, don’t call them, call someone else.  If you have to, call a professional.  They’re a professional for a reason).  Then take it one step at a time.

Do this as often as necessary.

I’m not saying this will cure panic attacks, but if it helps you out of crisis moment and back into coping (even just a little bit, even if it’s just coping with breathing and drinking tea) then yay.

Why You’re Actually Perfect, Right Now

I have a confession to make.  I’m 46 years old and I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up.  I’d still like to be a rock star, and I’d kinda like to be a spy (although these days I’d rather play one in a movie than actually BE one).  I like designing houses, and when it comes to business, and those questions “What are your talents?  What do people ask you?” I usually answer “I don’t know, I guess I don’t have any…”

This isn’t strictly true.  I’m pretty good at sarcasm, and I have a reasonable amount of self knowledge.  I’ve had “friends” in the past who are so good at pointing out my faults that I’ve had to be a genius-level inventor of new faults just to keep ahead of them.

I’m also pretty good at self loathing.  Actually, that’s not true.  I’m REALLY good at it.  I’ve spent so long not fitting in, not feeling good enough, smart enough, skinny enough, pretty enough, normal enough, brave enough, whatever enough….  that I convinced myself for a really long time (so long I can’t remember a time I didn’t feel that way) that I was broken.  I wasn’t good enough to live here, the whole world was just taking pity on me and letting me live here as a favour.  (Thanks, btw)

Anyway, this isn’t a pity post.  Honestly.  One day, I was thinking about my cats (I do it a lot) and remembering a quote I’d read from Leonardo Da Vinci (and he’s a pretty smart fella).  His quote was:  “The smallest feline is a masterpiece”.

… and because I’ve met a lot of cats (I have some of my own, and I foster, and have volunteered at the shelter), I was thinking of each of them, and that even though each of them is different – some fluffy, some sleek, some lazy, some active, some small, some grumpy, some excellent hunters, some lap cats, some cuddly, some frightened –  and yet each and every one of them is a perfect cat.  Absolutely perfect.  There isn’t a single one of them you could look at and say they weren’t a perfect cat, not one.  And yet, they’re all different.

A voice came to me then, in that moment (and it’s so unlike me I suspect a guardian angel or something) which said: “and if each of them is perfect, how can you be anything less?”

“if each of them is perfect, how can you be anything less?”

It was an epiphany to me.  (That’s an “aha moment”, if you’re young.  Condescension is another talent I have.  Lol)

How can I possibly be anything less than a perfect human, for all of my “imperfections”?  If I’m willing to accept that each cat is a perfect cat, how can I accept any other standard for humans?  (or birds, or dogs, or turtles, or tarantulas.  You get the idea.)

Don’t get me wrong, there’s a huge difference between understanding and accepting this statement and self-forgiveness and self-acceptance.  But at least I’m now working on the self-acceptance from a different point of view.  I’m no longer accepting myself in that grudging “yes, I suppose I’m okay, but I’ve got a long way to go” way…

No, now I’m accepting myself (or learning to, at least) from the perspective that I am a perfect human.  I am not the same as other humans (who are also perfect) but that does not detract from my perfection, nor does it detract from anyone else’s perfection.

I am perfect.  You are perfect.  Cats prove it.

(and would you argue with a cat?  No, I didn’t think so.)

The picture I’ve included here actually is to the point.  The kitten in this photo is two weeks old, he’s sick, has lost his mum way too early, is struggling in an uphill battle and has no idea how to bathe himself, can’t even feed properly, and yet is a perfect cat.

Perfect in every way.

How can you be anything less?

How do you talk to your mother?

Watching a promo ad on TV last night and one of the stars says “I would never talk to my mother like that.”

It got me thinking – the implication here is that we’re supposed to respect and venerate our mothers, never speak back, never say harsh things, never think of our mum with thoughts less than doting.

Personally, I disagree.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my mum, as mums go, she’s a good one, and I certainly wouldn’t pick any other one.  (Unless she was mega rich, lol)

However, I don’t worship her.  And if she says something completely idiotic, she’ll get the same response from me that anyone else would.  I did used to do the whole “mum is a goddess” thing, when I was little, however, after a few disappointments where it turned out that she didn’t, in fact, know everything, wasn’t a super hero and a saint wrapped in one package (although she’s always been lovely), and in fact, she turned out to be human, with all that entails…

So, theologically, I can understand where we get the mother worship thing from.  However, given the generally poor level of respect women are shown in pretty much every other area of life, this one seems to be quite anomalous.

… and it seems to be perpetuated.  New mums expect to be worshipped or venerated by their kids.  I mean, I get that mums are busy and do amazing things (it’s a job I wouldn’t want), but there are other women who do just as much…  nurses, for example, are just as nurturing and caring and usually overworked and harrassed, but they expect to be treated as humans…  caring, loving, wonderful humans who do a freaking amazing job, and yes, they definitely deserve our respect (as do mums) but still humans.

Let’s not even go into the subject of mums who aren’t even remotely caring.  Leave them out.  Let’s just stick with the mums who are deserving of our love and respect.  Sure, I think, same as nurses, we should respect them and appreciate them for the amazing work they do…  but shouldn’t we recognise also that they’re still humans?  With human fallibility and weaknesses?

I mean, one person’s mum is another person’s stupid, nosy, old biddy…  is it only our own mum who should be worshipped and respected, or is it everyone’s mum?  If it’s everyone’s mum – all mums – then we’d better start respecting non-human mums too, because they do the same job.

And what about dads?  Don’t they do an amazing job too?  There are at least as many caring, wonderful, nurturing dads out there as there are wonderful mums.  Do we need to respect and love them too, to the point of insisting they can do no wrong and are somehow more than human?

I think it’s the infallibility thing that gets me.  By treating our parents (no matter how wonderful they are) as someone who can do no wrong and who gets respect and obedience and worship, no matter what they do, we’re setting them up to think that way of themselves.  And in the same way that if you allow a child to think they are infallible and can do no wrong, they will become a brat, parents, being humans, can often get to believing their own press too, and start to think they are the best thing since sliced cheese, just for breathing and existing.  Just because they had a hand in bringing a new life into the world (which is pretty amazing, but let’s face it, lizards do it too and we don’t treat them with that much respect).

Perhaps, instead of encouraging the blind respect and obedience and semi-worship that we have for parents so far, we could instill a sense of appreciation for their caring and nurturing.  Recognition and gratitude for the wonderful things parents do, while at the same time, understanding that they are, in fact, humans, and quite possibly learning this parenting stuff as they go along.  That way the child can learn respect for their parents for admitting to error, and learning from mistakes – and the child can also learn that it’s okay to make mistakes, and to learn from them.  The child will learn that it’s okay to be human, and to not know everything… and will be that parent to their own child, if they choose to have some.

I choose to recognise that my parents are humans, who chose to be together and to bring three children into the world.  They chose to nurture us, to care for us, to teach us some values, and some wonder at the world, and some knowledge and some compassion, and yes, to think about things.  I choose to love and appreciate them for these things, and for their many good qualities, and even for their quirks and flaws.  I choose to love and appreciate them for being the humans they are.  Which means that I must speak to them as I would to any other human.  Hopefully with kindness and respect… but let’s not forget that I’m human too, and sometimes my own flaws get in the way, and I’m not always a saint or a superhero.

So, sometimes, I attract those “I’d never speak to my mother like that” looks.  I can deal with that.

How do you speak to your mother?

Amazing Trust Levels

A thought occurred to me a while ago… about the trust that is shown to us humans by our companion animals.  Especially those companion animals who, for whatever reason, end up in the pound or shelter.

I mean… their lives get changed RADICALLY.  They’re subjected to a car ride, and then they get put in a cage, seen by a vet, thoroughly checked over with all the associated teeth, fur, tail, paw (including a tick check) inspections and the ignominious thermometer treatment… and the put back in a cage.  They’ll be given food and probably a bit of hurried caress… and all by complete strangers.  Humans they’ve never met before in their lives.

… and they trust.

They trust in us that we’re not going to hurt them (yes, I know sometimes they’re nervous and frightened and y’know, that seems quite reasonable).

They trust that the food we give them is okay, that it’s not going to harm them, they trust that eventually, their lives are going to turn out okay.

It’s one of the joys of working with a shelter in that every human there is committed to making sure their lives DO turn out okay, and they find loving homes where they can be safe and happy.

The trust shown when a furry one gets sick, though, that’s even more amazing (if that’s even possible, I’m in awe of how much trust they already give us).  You see, especially for cats – their sense of smell is what tells them whether food is okay to eat or not.  Dogs apparently have this too, but dogs tend to think they’re super heroes and can eat what they like… food would have to be really bad for a dog to turn it down.  (Or they’d have to have really awful fear issues).

But cats…  when they get cat ‘flu, and their noses are blocked up, and they can hardly breathe, and their eyes are gunky and yucky and it doesn’t matter how often you clean their faces (which they don’t like) they still get stuffed up…  mostly those cats still trust us that the food we’re giving them is okay for them to eat.  They can’t tell, because they can’t smell it, but they trust us to give them good food.

Yeah, sometimes a kitty will decline their food, usually because they have ulcers in their mouth which makes eating painful, but even then, they still trust us to do the right thing, to make them better, to fix this.

That trust brings me to tears every time I think about it.  I’m in awe, and gratitude, and oh, so humbled by the magnitude of that trust.  I really hope I can live up to it.  It’s worth it, especially when you see a happy dog or cat going home with a new human… it’s worth it, when you see the photos and hear the tales of them settling in and … yes, trusting… their new humans and loving their new home.

(If you’ve ever adopted a companion animal, bird or reptile, please consider letting the shelter know how they’re going, we love to hear happy endings!)

The furries are amazing, because of the love, and the hope… and their trust.

You don’t like broccoli, we can’t be friends

No, this is not about broccoli, which I actually do quite like.  And at the risk of alienating yet more people, I like brussells sprouts, too.

This is about staying friends with someone who thinks differently to you.

I have depression.  It’s in recession just at the moment, it’s still here though, I still have bad days, and days where I’m not really fit for company, and days where I’m not sure I’m worth anything at all…  and I have, in times past, contemplated ending it.

Currently I’ve promised to stay for my furry ones – that’s another story – but I’ve made the promise and so far I’m sticking to it.  They make it worthwhile, mostly, so they’re worth staying for.

However, I have had a few human friends who don’t understand why or how I could possibly contemplate “doing something so stupid”.  Personally, I hope they never do understand, it’s really not fun.  However…  this isn’t about why, today.  It’s about how those friends just…  drifted away.

The three I’m thinking of right now have a few things in common – they’ve all watched a close friend or family member dying of cancer (as I have, another truly not fun experience) – and they all cling firmly, limpet-like, to life.  The person who was dying also desperately wanted to live.  They’d have given anything to live.  And watching this, my friends understand, and pray and hope and beg, too, for their loved one to live.

And so they have no idea why anyone could possibly not want to live.

They’ve watched someone in the worst pain they can think of, who still wants to live…  what possible pain could I be going through that I didn’t want to?  I wasn’t in a hospital bed, I didn’t have tubes and stuff feeding me and draining yuck, I wasn’t on serious pain medication…  how could I possibly not want to live, when their loved one, who did have all those things, desperately wanted to?

So they make the statement that they don’t understand it…  that it’s stupid…  that we, those of us who sometimes don’t want to stay, are stupid and ungrateful and we should be thankful for what we have.  And they state that they’ve been depressed and never wanted to take their own life (so obviously it’s a serious failing in those of us who do).

They get really snarky when you say they haven’t had depression, then, they’ve just been down.  And because you don’t want to talk yourself into a shit day, and you’re trying really hard to not want to suicide, you don’t tell them that yes, you’re aware that there’s something very wrong with you, that you are the faulty one, the broken one, and that yes, you KNOW that you’re what’s wrong with the world…  thanks for reminding me.

… and because you’re friends, you just leave it.  You don’t tell them all this, because they can’t understand.  And because you’re friends, part of you wants them to understand, but most of you hopes they’re never that low, they never feel that worthless, they never understand that the world really would be better off without them…

… and so they just… drift away.  The calls become fewer, the suggestions to get together stop coming, and you just… move on.

I get it.  I can be high maintenance, I could even be one of those “negative” or even “toxic” people that you don’t want to surround yourself with.  That’s fair enough, it’s your life, and you deserve to be happy.  I want you to be happy!!  🙂

But let’s not talk about the high maintenance friend, let’s talk about the one who’s honestly trying to get better, the one who’s taking each day as they come… the one who just thinks a bit differently to you.

If you’re having this sort of thing happen in your life, maybe you’re consciously backing away because you can’t understand.  That’s okay, it’s your life and it’s your choice.  But ask yourself if this difference of opinion was more like whether or not you like broccoli… could you still be friends?

“I know we can rely on you”

Put your hand up if you’ve ever been told “I know we can rely on you”, or something similar, especially at work.

That’s good, isn’t it?  You’re reliable.  Trustworthy.  The boss knows they can rely on you.  You’re an integral part of the team.  They need you, you have a good reputation as being reliable, you Get Things Done.

And yes, to a degree, I do think this is important, to be reliable, to be trustworthy, that people know if you say you can do something, that you will do something, that you will do it.  You’re not one to just skive off and let people down.  Your word is good.

However, there comes a point when those words become manipulative, and although they may still make you feel good, they’re not doing you good.  That point is when your boundaries have been eroded to the point where you feel you can’t say “no”.  Your desk is piled high with work, you’re three weeks (or three months!) behind and everything is late and you’re doing stuff that other people “just can’t find the time for” or “don’t know how to do it” or “they didn’t do this right, can you please fix it, because you’re so good at this…” and yet more stuff is still arriving and you’re staying back at work late every single day and what is a weekend anyway?

Hands up if you’ve ever been that person?

The problem with the “I know we can rely on you” statement is that it makes it so damned hard to say “no, actually, I don’t have time to do that additional stuff, I’m swamped”.  So you don’t.  You just accept more and more work and stay back later and later.

Do me a favour.  Next time you’re working back (because it’s end of month, or this stuff just has to get finished, or whatever)…  look over at the bosses office.  Is the boss there after six in the evening?  Is the boss still there at ten at night?  Or midnight?  Or did they leave at quarter to six and check their guilt at the door with a “don’t work too late, you need to go home too” call as they walked out?I know it’s hard to set up your boundaries, and even harder to enforce them, especially when your boss (and previous ones) have gone through all that trouble training you with the “I know we can rely on you” reward biscuit.

However let me tell you a story about a friend of mine, let’s call her Jo.Jo works for a government department.  Three years ago, the government of the day decided to cut costs and jobs, and sacked about 12,000 people.  That meant that Jo now had her own work, plus that of three other people.  Just recently, some more people left the department where Jo works, and because they’re not allowed to hire anyone to fill those positions, that means everyone else gets even more work.  So Jo is now stressed to the max, doing at least six jobs.  She was working late every day, and that’s on top of a 90 minute commute each way every day.As you’d expect, Jo got sick.  Really sick.  She was bedridden for six weeks, and wasn’t able to go back to work for over two months.

She’s still seeing a specialist about some residual illness and growths in her lungs.

And because nobody else could do all of her job (or jobs), nobody did most of Jo’s work while she was away for two months.  Yes, the urgent stuff got done, but most of it stayed there, on her desk, ’til she got back.  Reconciliations and accounting stuff that needed to be done, because the accounts department couldn’t close off those months until she’d done it.  So Jo is now working back late again, and going home exhausted every night.

Because she didn’t have enough sick leave to cover the entire two months, Jo used her recreation leave to cover her absence.  She doesn’t have a lot of that left either, now.

However, Jo is really proud of her reputation as someone who Gets Things Done, and her boss is always saying “I know we can rely on you”.

I’d like to think that when Jo gets sick again, (hopefully she won’t) that her employer will cover her medical expenses, and continue to pay her, even half pay, and keep her job until she’s well again.  But I suspect that won’t happen.  And I suspect that if she gets sick and there’s no leave, and thus no pay, the stress of that will make her even more sick.  And they may keep her job for her until she’s well enough to return… but for how long?  And more to the point, will the stress still be there (again) when she gets back?

Jo says her current boss is really supportive and is trying to help, and trying to get more staff to assist, and that’s great.  But in the meantime, more and more stuff gets handed over to Jo, and she says “these are people you just don’t say ‘no’ to”.  She’s “got a really good reputation”, and she’s proud of it.  She tells me “it’s a different culture” to what I’m used to (it’s actually not, I just escaped) and just goes on taking it all on, and telling everyone how busy she is.

So my question is…  is a “good reputation” as someone who Gets Things Done and being someone “I know we can rely on” really worth your health?  Your life?  This stress has changed Jo’s personality, she’s no longer happy and loving life.  She’s miserable and grumpy and a stress puppy (you know, whining with stress)… and I think it’s killing her.  I’ve pointed that out, but it’s her choice, and I have to respect that.

It’s your choice, too, and whatever choice you make, I hope you are happy.  🙂  However, as I lived in that culture for too long, and it almost did kill me, I am really pleased to be out of it.  I’m still reliable, and when I say I’ll do something, I do… but I’m no longer taking on mountains of work so someone else can go home on time.  It’s taken me a long time, but I’m starting to value myself as more that the reward phrase.  I’m still a work in progress, and I have to keep an eye on things in case I slip and fall back into that “culture”, but at least I’m aware of it.

Oh, you can put your hand down now.  🙂  But please, do think about this.  And if you’re a boss, and you do this, please think about that, too.

My friend is threatening self harm, I don’t know what to say!

We’ve all had those times when a friend says something and you don’t know how to respond, but when that involves them telling you they want to self-harm or even leave life completely, that can be really scary.

If in ANY DOUBT WHATSOEVER, and you think there is immediate danger of harm to them or to you or to others, call the emergency services, police and ambulance.  Just call.

You may want to bluff it out and try the “don’t be so stupid, mate”, but I don’t recommend this answer.  Basically, your friend has just confided how hurt he or she is, and that they can’t cope with the world right now and they’re really confused… and you telling them not to be stupid isn’t the right answer.  If the situation were reversed, and you were SO hurt, and SO afraid, and SO desperate that you risked this incredible vulnerability and your friend told you you were stupid, how would you feel?  And if they’re already feeling stupid, that definitely won’t help.  So scratch that response.

You might also think the “think of the children / your partner / your pets / your parents / your friends / me” option is a good one.  Another no-no, sorry.  Depression can cause you to think that you are the thing which is causing all these people pain, and that to remove yourself from the situation is the best outcome.  So telling someone who thinks they’re doing this FOR the children, partner etc to think of them isn’t going to work either.  And even if that isn’t the cause, you’ve just added guilt to an already heavy pain burden.  Give this one a miss, too.

You CAN say that you care about them, and want to help, but you’re not sure what to say.  Sometimes, when you’re confused and your mind is in whirly-whirly mode, confiding in a friend who admits they don’t know what to say can be comforting.  You’re not alone.  So that’s okay.

One of the best things someone said to me recently when I confessed I was having a really bad day (and it was quite shitful, believe me) was “just remember you’re with friends now, friends who care about you, friends who believe in you and want to spend time with you.  We love you and care about you and I just want you to know that.”  Which was just amazing.  I still get tears of gratitude just thinking about how lovely that was and just what I needed… the world did indeed suck that day, and I felt worthless and more than useless, but I still had friends, and that provided that little bit of rope to hang onto that stopped me from drowning.

So don’t be afraid to say that you don’t know what to say, or indeed, that you’re afraid to say the wrong thing, but that you care and want to help.  Ask if they have spoken to a professional, offer to go with them, even if you wait in the waiting room while they talk to someone.  (Take a book, waiting rooms are boring as…)

If you’re physically present and they’re in hysteria mode, get THEM to make YOU (and themself) a cuppa.  The idea here is for them to do something physical which is in the here and now.  If you’re on the phone with them, talk to them while they make it.  This will hopefully break through the hysteria and the whirly-whirly and give you some “in” into the conversation.  Then you can be your caring self.

If in ANY DOUBT WHATSOEVER, and you think there is immediate danger of harm to them or to you or to others, call the emergency services, police and ambulance.  Just call.  Your friend may tell you they’ll hate you forever, but they’ll be around to do it, hey?

… and if you’re the one who’s currently lost, hurting and alone, you’re not alone lovey.  You’re certainly not the only one who’s confused, who is hurt by the world, and you’re definitely worth having around.  So hang in there, for just a bit longer, have a cuppa, talk to some people and see if together we can do something good.  You’re worthwhile.  Really.